a quiet week and even quieter weekend


Last week Amy went out with Ramon on Wednesday evening, and Jan on Thursday.  The date with R was arranged on impulse.  He was going to go away on an epic work trip this weekend and remembered he hadn’t been in touch for ages.  She was happy to see him – they get on like a house on fire.  When he said on greeting her that he had had a very good day, much improved on seeing her (corny, but cute), she teased him that he might find simply getting out of bed was an improvement on remaining in it.   They met at a cinema, watched a film with an abrupt ending (Chronic) and went to a vegetarian Indian.  He walked her to her tube stop at the end of the evening and they kissed their goodbyes.   There was a short exchange of text messaging that was warming but the passion of yesteryear was nowhere to be felt.

Similarly with Jan, who cooked Amy dinner and then they went to a gig with his older brother in tow.  It was friendly and pleasant.  After dropping his brother off they talked into the wee hours over a few drams of Highland Park.  She showed him some pictures of where Thorinn had taken her and then he saw a photo of him.  He went quiet for a bit and  she sensed that he might have felt some discomfiture.  But it was only a fleeting moment and forgotten fairly soon after when they talked about other holiday plans.   He mentioned a motoring holiday on the 500 route in the Scottish Highlands and Amy said that would be great.  They are due to meet up just before she goes away, to another gig, this time in Oxford.  She slept over at his and drove home before the motorway got too busy.

This morning Amy received confirmation from Ewan that he was definitely going to make their date, tentatively arranged for the coming Tuesday.   He’s the only one she’s actually having sex with these days.  Having said that, it has only been twice; but Amy found herself aroused during the exchange of messages, although there was nothing risqué in the to and fro.   And she did not tell him.  He’s only seeing her and a few others because there’s no one else available.  But he is interesting and quite good in bed, and uncomplicated, perhaps because he lives about 500 miles away.

Goran said hello on whatsapp but Amy can sense herself feeling less infatuated.  All the same she immediately archived his messages when they finished their short conversation.  She is fairly certain now that by the time she returns from her holidays in May she would have been inoculated against  him, much like how she is with Michael, Pierre, and Max.

My weekend may be
lonely, but I get to choose
what I do with it


cards on the table

Hot on the weekend flirtation with Ramon, Amy sent him an email to find out what the real state of affairs might be.  So much water has passed under the bridge now and they have shared more than just intimate moments that she hoped they could safely tell each other what their intentions are.

And she was both disappointed and not, as R confirms that while time is healing his broken heart over Helene he has not quite completely got over her.   And so Amy and he agreed to keep it light and she promised him that it was unlikely that she should be silly over him again – certainly it has never happened before with anyone else – having got over a broken heart, she has never fallen in love with the same person all over again.  She’s grown fond of him and can honestly say and perhaps with some relief that there’s no need to feel obliged to sleep with him.  There needn’t be a repeat of the awkwardness she’d felt at having him in bed with her on Sunday morning.  It may only have been awkward because she was uncertain what significance to attach to it and now that she has confirmation this was not going any further she is back in her comfort zone.

  • Whilst he might believe that he was moving on by obliterating the mark which reminded him of Helene with a larger and more ornate one with Japanese influences she wondered if the image of a fish replacing said aide memoir might not subconsciously be an even greater reminder – the name of that particular genus or even merely the fish that got away.  Still she did not voice her suspicions as she did not wish to plant that thought in his consciousness.

Ramon spills the beans

We made an impromptu date to see the rest of Lumiere London last night and at the end of it, on a whim, I asked Ramon back to mine.  The bedding ritual began with warm kisses and very loving caresses and I am reminded of a time  (the blog entry refers to Ramon as T) a year and a half ago when I felt romanced and thought I was what he wanted.  It turned out that he couldn’t quite forget the one who got away and we parted ways.  I never really found out who she was apart from a reminder he had had imprinted on his body.  When we met up again last year he was in the process of having it tattooed over and seemed to want to re-start our romance.  So much of his past remained a mystery and I am cautious about misreading the signs.  So much has also happened in my dating and my ideas of love and relationships.

Before falling asleep he gave me an account of his love affair with this mystery woman, let’s call her Helene.  She had a small child and a very jealous husband.  In the end she chose her duty as a mother over Ramon and when we began dating he was still clinging on to the hope that there may yet be a chance for them together were she to be miraculously freed.  At the time I was still seeing Jan and we had had the occasional friends with benefits moment which Ramon had become aware of but was keen to point out that he had no objection to, and especially not to my dating others for his own reasons, which at the time I’d thought meant he was doing the same.

I tend to think that despite his philandering ways he is an honourable man and is not intending to play fast and loose with my heart.  All the same I am hesitant about the future of this relationship.  In the middle of the night I dreamt of fantastical catacombs and a picnic which featured my late father, my ex-husband Michael and Ramon.  In the dream I introduced Ramon to my father and they seemed to get on well before my father made a quick exit, giving as his excuse a need to take his heart medication.  When I awoke it was morning but we remained in bed until almost midday.

There’s a lightness in my step as I feel the possibilities of what may come and want to hurry time into the future to see where this leads to.  But all good things come to those who wait.  I only hope that I will have the courage to take delivery when life offers me another chance at love.

Three dates in a week

My friend Max was the perfect partner to go and see that new film The Danish Girl with. He had told me last year when we were sharing our private thoughts that he often wondered if he was a woman trapped in a man’s body. I’d asked him what made him think that and he gave the usual examples of his empathy with those characteristics stereotypically associated with women – gentleness, desire for peace, and adeptness at compromise to avoid confrontation.

He was also generally abhorrent of violence and there were a few trailers before the film at which he flinched – The Revenant and Room. I must admit that I also found the subject matter of Room unsavoury and agreed with him that I probably would not go and see this film when it is released.

Afterwards we had some dinner and continued telling each other about our dating. He was seeing an attractive Goan woman who gives him some grief between dates requiring him to text  her at a frequency he deemed excessive.  I tended to agree that it was unnecessary to maintain daily contact and might be a tad artificial to insist – you either want to chat or you don’t – to insist that someone does so at prescribed times of the day somehow smacks of balls and chains.

At the end of our meal I gave Max a lift home and declined his invitation to go in.  I was rather surprised he had asked when he did but on my drive home I recalled his emphasis when describing his current dates with Goan woman that neither of them had yet to see the interior of the other’s abode – her situation complicated by the fact that she was still living at home.

The following evening Goran and I had arranged to dine out of town at a tudor pub whose entrance doorway was so low he ducked rather than groused.  We requested a table by the fire as it was absolutely freezing – the coldest night this winter.  Several fires were lit around this rather sprawling pub/restaurant, so that was not too difficult and we settled across each other.  Just as Max was ideal for the last film, Goran was the perfect gourmand for this quaint, renowned gastropub with its historical fayre.

We talked about what’s current in his life – it turns out that G’s ex-gf has manoeuvred herself to stay at his  house whilst his wife and son are abroad.  Since she was currently homeless and her leave to remain in the UK tenuous, both Mr and Mrs G thought it was the kindest thing to do, to let her stay in their guestroom.  I quizzed Goran about the likelihood of their slipping into each other’s beds whilst she was there and he felt confident that he would not succumb.  With each revelation of the goings-on surrounding Goran I find myself edging out of infatuation and can almost taste the freedom of being the mistress of my own heart once more.

Earlier on during the journey he had said he did not feel like being intimate and reasoned that it might have had something to do with this ex-gf turning on her charms and his turning off all feelings on that front.  He was reluctant to fall into bed with her recalling the difficulty he experienced previously trying to extricate himself from their relationship.  Later after the meal when we came home he seemed to change his mind and we romped about the house as we had done previously.

It was a busy week as I had a date to roam Lumiere London with Ramon the next evening and we rather impressed ourselves at how much ground we covered.  I asked him in my rather indirect way whether he was dating anyone else and he teased me about my fishing.  We might have carried on bantering the whole evening except that I felt rather disappointed my efforts in engaging him in more heart to heart did not get beyond “not since a rather exciting moment this year, I mean end of last year” as his memory failed his attempts at subtlety.

I wondered at my own fishing attempts over everyone’s dating adventures – I’m sure not everyone tells the whole truth however honestly they attempt to answer my probing questions.  At the end of the week of busy back to back dates I know that I don’t want to sleep with Max still, Ramon appears to have a lot of personal hangups and I am no longer infatuated with Goran.  Walter made a date to see me next week and Paul continues to update me on his sexploits with hints that I might enjoying accompanying him on some of his jaunts.  To date I have not acquiesced.


A few days have passed to mull over these relationships. Jan invited me to a meal at his local last weekend – of course he didn’t mention that some of his friends would be there – people I’d met at his birthday bash about a month ago. We were merry after the outing, walked back to his and watched a bit of TV together and then he kissed me and one thing led to another and for the first time in a long while we did more than just fall asleep in the same bed. He made me coffee the next morning and I came home after that. Will we be able to survive a holiday spent in each other’s company for eight days and nights?

And then there was the date with Goran when he’d come back from his family weekend break slightly in the wars having needed 10 stitches in his shin after it clashed with a piece of metal on his garden shed. He was rather the worse for wear and we stayed in and watched some John Oliver. I was going to make us dinner and when he said surprise me I’d rather taken him up on it and surprised the both of us by putting together a rather decent Vietnamese salad based solely on my dining experiences. I think he was fairly impressed by my culinary intuitiveness. Earlier in the week there had been a possibility that he might have postponed the date but when he was alerted to the fact that I might be making arrangements to meet someone else instead he had rather quickly confirmed our date.

Goran and I have been messaging each other over whatsapp almost daily. It’s occasionally salacious but more often than not mere genial exchanges. I puzzle over what we are to each other. Why won’t he sleep with anyone else? He says he’s still very much physically attracted to an ex-girlfriend who he still sees but who has foresworn intimate relations in the hope that the love of her life (another married man) makes an honest woman of her. I look back at our exchanges which go as far back as mid March this year. He is going away for a fortnight on a family holiday but tells me that he would continue to stay in touch. I am not used to the attention and am a little flattered.

Last night I met Ramon and we had another of our movie and dinner dates, this time in the West End. While waiting for the film to start he’d shown me a picture of his arm tattoo in the process of having the one symbolic of an old girlfriend – the one who had got away – covered. What am I to make of that – is it significant that he is in the process of getting over her? At the end of the date he kissed me on the lips which was rather lovely but with all that has passed between us I wonder again what the point of this was.