a conversation on ethical non-monogamy

I had a date with Max yesterday afternoon – it was a glorious day and we sat in the dappled shade under a tree which shed fragrant leaves. We talked about our relationships and he observed that I was quite taken with Julius. When asked what I admire about him, I said that it was most definitely his fund of knowledge, taste in music and art, and infectious enthusiasm.

I guess I am rather enamoured of J, but we are still pursuing a non-monogamous lifestyle at any rate, which is more than can be said for Max who seems to be in relationships with women who are looking for monogamous commitments. He reminded me that when we last met I had been on the verge of turning monogamous, or at least questioning the whole idea of non-monogamy.

Certainly I am still getting used to the lifestyle and ethics of it. It appeals to both of us I suspect because it means we need never have to end any relationship in order to meet anyone new. He has already met or at least is chatting to a few potential dates, although one appears to be long distance in a haven of peace.

We make tentative arrangements to join a book club to discuss The Ethical Slut and parted company after walking up the road to take a peek at the house his father first stayed in when he came to London as a boy.

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Hello, hello, hello

After a short hiatus Liam comes out to play on my invitation.  We agree on a movie and dinner date – Love & Friendship and Hare & Tortoise at Brunswick Square.  It was a lovely evening and I invite myself back to his on the pretext of using his bathroom.  We have a little intimate session and he walks me to catch the tube.  I hint at another shared break abroad but he seemed spooked by the idea.  I told him not to be alarmed and dash down the elevator to catch the last train home.

On a moody Sunday afternoon Max and I arranged to meet up at the Pergola Gardens.  We talked and exchanged our news – he has been adventurous, attending a few orgasmic meditation sessions and one other sex positive activity event involving erotic playfighting.  I enjoy our new platonic relationship and note that he seemed a little nervous around me.  We have a chaste kiss on the cheeks goodbye and I went home to play with the photos I’d taken with my new toy.

Goran is back in the picture, that is to say occasionally in my bed.  Since his return from the visit to his missus, he has resumed his poly status and also contact with the pugilistic Amazon.  Their dance of back and forth has been halted temporarily and who knows what may be in the distant future.  Meanwhile I discover that I am no longer subject to that attraction I had felt for him before my trip abroad.  He is still delicious in bed but I find I can enjoy him without the attendant romance.  I like this new equanimity and consider that I might call myself a relationship anarchist – I don’t have a primary relationship and regard Jan, Goran, Ewan, Max and Liam as equals in their parts.

Ewan sent me an email and text from abroad, which is really sweet of him to do so.  He gave me news of his holiday with his family and I waited slightly more than a day to send my reply – obviously I’m not wholly enamoured of him.  At the back of my mind I remember that he had mentioned that he would like to watch me with another man and woman.  Whilst the idea is a turn on uttered when we’re in bed together, I wonder if I would actually feel the same were it to happen.  Still, I won’t turn him down if he manages to find another willing couple.

he loves me, he loves me not, he …

Jan came round the other night.  We met at the Eastern European watering hole opposite the tube station and had a beer each.  Poland was playing Portugal on the two screens and there was a rousing cheer when the former scored the first goal.  We discussed the Brexit fallout.  It was unavoidable.  We generally agreed about most things except on the leadership question.  He was more for a centrist/populist candidate and I still hoped that the current one of the opposition might still do.

When we eventually repaired to the Korean up the road we were already discussing other things.  His relationship with his NW came up.  He told me that she was deeply jealous of me.  I couldn’t think why – he very often cancelled arrangements with me in order to do stuff with her.  It was only recently when he sort of asked me whether I thought we might stand a chance living together that set me thinking what our relationship was about.  And when I remember being let down – the first time over Copenhagen and then the other minor incidents, culminating in the recent theatre debacle – and wonder at how he dances to this NW’s demands, that I think we won’t be any good for each other.  He has been around for me some of the time, but recently we have been seeing less of each other.  All the same, when we do get together, it is always enjoyable, comfortable and I don’t feel as though I need to hold back on my opinions or temper my words.

And in spite of the amount of alcohol consumed, we enjoyed a passionate embrace before falling asleep together.   He is a thoughtful lover and takes his time to ensure that I want for nothing more before reaching his own climax. And so it was quite late by the time we slept.

Still, I long for someone to fall in love with me and I them.  And I think Jan and I now have that long term familiarity and friendship which makes it unlikely that we might ever experience the silly giddiness of infatuation with each other.

The following day I find a message from Liam apologising for not being able to sustain the escalation of our relationship.  We only used to meet up every other week but since my return from the highlands we have yet to see each other.  Undaunted I tell him that I was perfectly happy to meet up for movie and dinner dates with the occasional sleepover.  I hoped we might resume that undemanding pattern we had with each other and he replied that he was in agreement with me.    I don’t know what made him think that we were on the next level relationship-wise.  Perhaps I should ask him when we next meet.

In a relationship with …

Hey congratulations.

Thanks.

Er … what for?

It turns out that he wasn’t expecting Facebook to make his relationship status so public. Which explains the stepped up frequency of emails from his stalker woman. He being Michael, the ex. The stalker woman, despite living on another continent manages to wreak minor havoc, contacting most of his friends and attempting to besmirch his good name. I take the high road in this and bin her hysterical emails.

Back in calmer waters my own paramours have all taken a back seat. Ewan is now busy spending summer holidays with his children and ex. I don’t want to be a part of that and apart from the occasional whatsapp messaging, commiserating over the Brexit fallout, we maintain our distance – he in the windswept and often dreich north and I in the capital down south enjoying brighter days. Jan too, having hinted his very English proposal has gone quiet. And neither does Liam have any time for me, not even bothering to reply to my latest text message. I don’t sit patiently by … although I’m less antsy this year compared to last, … instead, I find myself being tempted back by Goran. It is an evening purely for physical gratification and after a night of raw passion I am happy to throw my lot in with the sex positive campaign.

secrets

Whilst I realise that I’m not entirely able to stick to my word – for example I’d told Goran that I probably wasn’t going to meet anymore new men – when in fact I still had one live online dating profile up and was occasionally flirting with the more interesting men out there, meant that inevitably there was going to be a date or two with someone new sooner or later.

Which was what happened last night.  After Goran cried on my shoulder over the bust up with his new woman last Thursday, he had also made it clear that I was no longer shag buddy of the moment.  I asked him again why he thought talking to me was going to resolve the issues he had with pugilistic new woman – she had thrown an almighty temper tantrum which ended with Goran getting a black eye and ruptured eardrum.  The answer he’d given hadn’t been flattering – I needed to get all this off my chest.  And after all the TLC I’d showered on him too!  Patience has never been my strongest suit … perhaps it really was time he had a less poly and strictly monogamous relationship with his missus.  He said they had been considering exactly this, that she might also give up the man she was seeing on the other side of the world.  I am really done with being led on or used.  He’d tried to assuage any guilt re his culpability – I haven’t led you on, have I?  I had laughed about it, but on further analysis can only conclude that he is as great about deceiving himself as the next man, and perhaps everyone else too – NW (with rather bruising consequence), his wife, and me.

Bidding him adieu, with a tinge of sadness but knowing also that I had had a lucky escape (once again),  I ended up flirting outrageously that evening with a couple of new guys and asking one of them, the photographer pro at the other end of the OkCupid app if he was willing to meet up.  Long story short, he came up to my neck of the woods earlier this afternoon and was just the right sort of geeky sexy and eager enough to check into the Hendon Hall Hotel.  It had been far too long since the last time I had had hotel sex, and I realised how much I missed the frisson of excitement and naughty fun that evoked.  When I left him, spent and sated, I came home feeling quite pleased with my efforts.

He had been most appreciative of what I had to offer and although I liked to think that I was also honest in my dealings with him, revealing that I would not be available next week as I was joining Ewan in the Scottish Highlands, I could not be certain that there might be a second date.  He had confided quite early on that he was hoping to meet the One, but was not averse to a little fun along the way – so aren’t we all too?