Epiphany

6th September 2016

Bade Julius goodbye today outside the tube station – this was after a date that ended with a sleepover.  He’d invited me to meet his friends on a canal walk last Sunday.  Complications with other things in our life meant that it didn’t end with either of us spending the night together – in my case I had work the next morning and in his he had to untangle himself from a relationship which did not have a promising future.  When we met up the following afternoon he still had not quite completely ended it, treading the fine line between saying no and not wanting to hurt.  I was uncomfortable when he tried to unburden himself as I tend to subscribe to a firmer method of rejection. We went for a ramble around Golders Hill park and supped at Eat Tokyo.  The evening walk with the dog on the golf course saw some al fresco nookie.  It was pitch black in the woods but the golf course itself was lit where a few houses backed onto the links.  We started off kissing there and moved on to a more sheltered area.  In any event the dog stood guard and would have warned us if anyone had happened upon us.  According to Julius it was his second experience of outdoor sex.

9th September 2016

Since the last time we met up in the Scottish Highlands at the beginning of summer, June to be precise, I hadn’t seen Ewan who came down the previous evening.  He was fairly ardent in his approach, claiming a dearth of suitable bedmates and so we had almost a quickie post-prandial, after which we enjoyed a siesta.   Later that evening we tried out the Ab Fab party venue in west London: under a starlit sky we swam in our birthday suits in the pool and made friends.  In a public room, i.e. one where spectators could look through we indulged in a fairly organised orgy with two other couples.  It was my first experience of a woman who squirts during orgasm.  One of Julius’ lovers does that and he claims it is a nuisance.  The woman at the sex party was a lovely friendly warm person as was her partner and post coital, as it were, were both happy to impart some advice for us swinging newbies.  I think Ewan had a lovely time of it and not feeling particularly emotionally attached to him I was able to indulge in the whole experience without any attendant angst.

I fully empathised with Julius’ feelings of insecurity and the following afternoon arranged to meet him at his after work.  I had work the following day and didn’t stay the night.  We discussed further how we felt about each other and confirmed that we were both fairly comfortable with the idea of our dating/sleeping with other people.  He asked me whether I had any opinion about his considering closing his dating profile on the app and I told him that it was his decision to make and I would not presume to ask him to do so.   I added that apart from Tomas, I was not chatting to anyone else.  As someone once said, they were poly-saturated and I felt fairly sated by the choice lovers I am in contact with.

He continued to tell me that I was desirable and earlier this afternoon, after several risqué message exchanges with Tomas, I began to realise that perhaps men really did want to take me to bed.  And perhaps that is all, … and that is really quite enough and almost an epiphany for me.  Perhaps it didn’t matter after all – the aging, the wobbly bits, the less than symmetrical features, the loose skin, the silver strands amongst the ebony.  Some men – Julius, Tomas, Goran (whose own domestic issues continue), Ramon, etc… desired me.  But not Michael anymore it would seem – we had met at a family event with some of our children in tow and our relationship is friendly and warm.

I went to the poly-cafe in Warren Street with Max yesterday evening for a book club meeting, the book being The Ethical Slut.  There was a nice balance of people at different stages of polyamory and we talked about our experiences and relationships.  I recognised one other person I’d met previously when I arranged with Goran to meet there one Saturday afternoon some time in early summer this year.  It felt reassuring to be a part of a group whose chosen relationship lifestyle mirrored mine.  Max was in fragile mood and I gave him a few warm, close embraces when he asked me for a hug.  I am wary of becoming attached to him but am not so unfeeling as to deny him warmth.  He is more than an ex-lover and I feel a strong fondness towards him.  It’s strange how I am no longer giddy over any of my past or even present lovers but continue to feel a bond with some of them.  I still adore Julius but can sense my infatuation passing as he tells me that he is still meeting new women – including one last night and another this evening.  Reluctant to be hurt by someone who has the potential to unsettle me my survival instincts kick in and I take the initiative with Tomas this afternoon, asking him for a preview of his back torso, gambling on the possibility that he would ask for one of mine in return and he did not fail me.

This is the picture Tomas sent me earlier today in a bid to convince me that he was not as curvy as the Felix Vallotton nude who has a coquettish profile.

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Felix Vallotton’s nude

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Steady the Buffs

Something brought me low and I shared it straightaway with Julius.  But he had a busy evening planned with another lover and all he could do was send me some comforting messages.  I wasn’t expecting him to come rushing to me, that would have been absurd but I was disappointed that non-monogamous love has its shortcomings.  I shall be careful next time I think I love someone in case their expectation of my love exceeds my capacity to give.

This path has shown me over and over again that I have to shoulder burdens on my own.  Reluctant to engage with anyone else, I find solace in my own company and the selection from Mount Unread.

The following day the familiar constants of my life keep me preoccupied – there’s a different kind of nurturing that non-monogamy provides.  Jan was genuinely comforting and Max was unaware but his email last night was a timely salve.   This afternoon Julius asked after me and we exchanged emails briefly.  He has another date with a new woman, a transexual, but he was a little apprehensive that he might’ve upset her by not messaging her in the last 24 hours.

Ewan sends me updates of his day and we look forward to meeting up in the middle of the week.  I won’t have much time for Julius after our date on Monday.  He had given me a leaflet to look at to address some personal issues and we may or may not try them out.  It seems to assume that there may be some pre-consummatory nerves on our part but we have already established an easy intimacy with each other and with complete honesty in our dealings on this front, the exercises seem unnecessarily prescriptive.

Tomas sent me a little hello and we flirt a little – he will be away for a week and I teased him that he would soon forget me.  He replied in a fitting manner of course and I have now got used to this leisurely courtship.  It suited me that he was not keen to rush things.

I felt a little embarrassed at my own blip last night and ungracious feelings towards Julius but I am also just a little relieved that I may have lost a little of that giddiness that accompanies being in love and regained a small measure of equilibrium.

Three little words

Spectacles

Yesterday afternoon we met for a picnic on Primrose Hill before going to a one woman comedy gig – Spectacles with Sue Perkins.  Julius had seen her on QI, I’d heard her on Radio 4 and seen her on TV presenting some show or other in the past and lately she has become the darling of a younger audience due to the Great British Bake Off.  It was fun, light with glimpses of a happy past/childhood and Sue could be side-splitting.  There were free drinks and crisps and nuts and I had some red wine which emboldened me to heckle her from the front row!

Later that evening we came back to mine and between a gentle embrace and intimate, soft kisses, he told me he loved me.  I cannot quite believe that I have become the sort of woman who can excite such a well of feeling and deep tenderness from a man.   He said that what he feels is not mere lust – we’d both experienced that at the beginning and now, with the increased frequency of our dates – one every other day, our mutual attraction has developed into something of greater substance than pure sexual titillation.

Earlier that afternoon, we had talked with simple honesty about our past and current lovers.   He wanted to know if I felt jealous that he might meet anyone new and I took the opportunity to assure him that I didn’t and that I too was in a dalliance with Tomas for example and would probably resume sleeping with Goran again in the future when his marital storm abated.   We both agreed that neither of us subscribed to the notion of ownership of each other.  Although Julius might’ve referred to me as “his girlfriend” to some of his friends, he had merely done so as not to have to go into any great detail the concept of ethical non-monogamy to people whom he knew were more comfortable in orthodox relationships.

This morning my lover continued to marvel at how I had turned his daily routine on its head – with morning intercourse – both social and sexual – before coffee – quite unheard of in all his many years, followed by walks with dog and his getting home before midday.  Having kissed our goodbyes I went to work glowing with warm remembrance of my lover’s considered declaration.  He loves me!

The Rhinoceros

There was the invitation to view his favourite exhibit at the Hunterian Museum.  It was another scorching afternoon and I had walked around the chilling displays in formaldehyde and peered at the instruments employed in the myriad surgical procedures which gave us  among other things, this Royal College of Surgeons.

The text message from Tomas alerted me to his presence before a Stubbs.  It was the one that had got away.  Many years ago he had requested for it to be a part of an exhibition he was putting together at the Institute of Contemporary Art.  But the then curator was no fan of modern day art and was suspicious of Tomas’ motive and turned his request down.  It had been awhile since he last viewed it and it had magnified in his head.  It was a magnificent creature I agreed with him – with greater complexity than its African counterpart.  We wandered about for a bit and eventually went down to the cafe in the square opposite.

We sat at a sunny table across from each other with two glasses of chilled Vioignier.  I liked the gradual pace of our flirtation, exchanging views on art and film, and debauchery.  He told me how he was currently seeing a woman who wanted him to whip her soundly with a paddle and riding crop.  In return she sat for him for the before and after pictures.     He claimed not to find her rotundity sexually appealing and I myself am determined that he would not see me in my flawed nudity until I was sure of a positive response.  The second date was not the time for this intimacy.

Eventually the sky got darker and we promised to meet again, when he might take me to his studio.  We said our goodbyes outside Lincoln’s Inn Fields and I went home just before the rush hour.  Later in the evening he told me that he had been quite aroused during our tete a tete, but the wine had gone to my head and I couldn’t remember everything that we might have talked about.  He was planning a trip abroad at the end of the month which would last two months and so I’m not sure if we would ever get round to consummating this dalliance before the end of the year.  All the sameI am enjoying being chatted up and it gives me more time to improve my physique!

Stubbs’ Rhinoceros

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Ramping it up

Julius asked me if I might be interested in a threesome with him and a nineteen year old.  The saucy little minx had sent him some rather delectable pictures of herself in very suggestive poses.  One had her legs apart for example and another with her back to the viewer but her face in profile and her medium length fringe covering part of her eye.  It was most definitely a come hither look if I ever saw one.

Of course I said yes but I did wonder whether she was really nineteen.  To me she looked far too young to be engaged in the sort of debauchery we had in mind.  And was she really who she says she is?  I asked him when she fancied this threesome but have yet to hear back.  It all sounds far too good to be true.