Last week Amy went out with Ramon on Wednesday evening, and Jan on Thursday. The date with R was arranged on impulse. He was going to go away on an epic work trip this weekend and remembered he hadn’t been in touch for ages. She was happy to see him – they get on like a house on fire. When he said on greeting her that he had had a very good day, much improved on seeing her (corny, but cute), she teased him that he might find simply getting out of bed was an improvement on remaining in it. They met at a cinema, watched a film with an abrupt ending (Chronic) and went to a vegetarian Indian. He walked her to her tube stop at the end of the evening and they kissed their goodbyes. There was a short exchange of text messaging that was warming but the passion of yesteryear was nowhere to be felt.
Similarly with Jan, who cooked Amy dinner and then they went to a gig with his older brother in tow. It was friendly and pleasant. After dropping his brother off they talked into the wee hours over a few drams of Highland Park. She showed him some pictures of where Thorinn had taken her and then he saw a photo of him. He went quiet for a bit and she sensed that he might have felt some discomfiture. But it was only a fleeting moment and forgotten fairly soon after when they talked about other holiday plans. He mentioned a motoring holiday on the 500 route in the Scottish Highlands and Amy said that would be great. They are due to meet up just before she goes away, to another gig, this time in Oxford. She slept over at his and drove home before the motorway got too busy.
This morning Amy received confirmation from Ewan that he was definitely going to make their date, tentatively arranged for the coming Tuesday. He’s the only one she’s actually having sex with these days. Having said that, it has only been twice; but Amy found herself aroused during the exchange of messages, although there was nothing risqué in the to and fro. And she did not tell him. He’s only seeing her and a few others because there’s no one else available. But he is interesting and quite good in bed, and uncomplicated, perhaps because he lives about 500 miles away.
Goran said hello on whatsapp but Amy can sense herself feeling less infatuated. All the same she immediately archived his messages when they finished their short conversation. She is fairly certain now that by the time she returns from her holidays in May she would have been inoculated against him, much like how she is with Michael, Pierre, and Max.
My weekend may be
lonely, but I get to choose
what I do with it
yes it is a foolish old thing and never seems to learn. Goran is just for fun, they all are. Amy is slowly beginning to reach that conclusion and realisation that the only constant is herself.
Not many days ago she hadn’t wanted to meet up with Goran and told him as much the day before. It wasn’t meant to be a test but he cycled up to see her and then at the end of the afternoon she drove him and his bike home with the dog in the backseat – to meet his son and ex-girl friend who had been babysitting earlier. She’s sweet and seems kind, if a little kooky. His son is adorable of course. They were both leaving the next day to meet Mrs Goran (who had driven ahead on a road trip across Europe with her boyfriend) for the new year and rest of the holidays. So they said their goodbyes that evening.
Meanwhile, at half past 4 the following afternoon Amy went back to the online dating website and created a new profile – or rather filled one out – the new girl is called Louellalynn, looks fun and flirty, sounds witty, sparky and wholesome – what thinking man if he’s out there wouldn’t date her?
Someone, let’s call him Jeremy from Cambridge started chatting to her almost as soon as the ink was dry as it were – he seemed interesting, mature and they swapped phone numbers. There had also been a few salacious exchanges with younger men that evening and the following morning she took Louellalynn’s profile down.
She went round to Jan’s last night for dinner with him and his young sons and then drove home at 1am. He told her that he was beginning to feel less enamoured of his new woman. Although it sounds like they got very familiar and comfortable around each other very quickly. Before Amy left they gave each other a warm hug and kiss goodbye.
Getting to a place of peace and tranquility gradually has been the goal, now with the realisation that these men are just friends, some with more sexual fun than others – Goran mainly on this front and Jan and Ramon to a lesser extent and not at all with Liam these days. The experience was not too comfortable the last time. Just for today, she feels happy not to be chatting anyone else up. There’s a quiet sense of calm, a stillness that seems finally willing to remain pinned down.
I gave you up yesterday – told you I couldn’t see you anymore as your cancelling our date at the last minute was the final straw. You tried to say you hadn’t really confirmed it and that it was awkward for you because of your wife’s request. You know that I never wanted to come between you but all the same if you cannot respect how let down I feel then I don’t want to carry on seeing you. I cannot be subject to the vagaries of someone else’s emotions, someone I haven’t met. You said that she had given her agreement the previous evening for you to come to me and then changed her mind in the morning. Which was why you rang me to tell me the bad news, rather than in a message.
It’s hard doing this but I have to believe that it is the right thing. I’ve always known it was never going to be anything more, I didn’t want your marriage to end, I know I’m only just for fun but I have feelings too and you knew how much I was looking forward to seeing you yesterday. It’s painful being let down and it’s simply not good enough for me anymore.
I checked my phone for messages and there wasn’t any from you. Thank you for keeping your distance, I don’t know how weakly I’d let you back if you were to have contacted me. Let’s give it time, time for me to get over you. I’m glad we ended things with no cross words or recriminations – a simple statement from me and your assent. Still, I wish I didn’t feel so bad, that the tears would stop falling, that I didn’t keep checking my phone and that I could be happy that Jan and Ramon were there for me last night with broad shoulders propping me up, that even Liam has offered some rebound sex to cheer me up. I wryly told him that my mojo has gone walkabout. We laughed that we might find it together down under in the Antipodes next year and I felt slightly better, grateful for these wonderful friends, past and present lovers who were there for me last night and now I’m ready for my trip alone. I’m off to see the little mermaid who also loved and lost a long, long time ago.
I’ll come back refreshed, ready to face the end of year festivities and greet the new year, getting closer to knowing what I want from my relationships. Jan told me yesterday that it’s a journey and he was still there for me. I am blessed.
There’s a tussle going on between a part of me that thinks I’m being used and the other that wants to take back control. The result is that I want to walk away and end the relationships I’ve built – with Jan, Goran and JR – because of this uncertainty I feel about their future, how they impact on my self-esteem, how keen I am on the people involved.
I’ve already walked away from Max and before him Ramon. On resumption of contact, we’ve remained friends and nothing more. This time it’s much harder with Jan and Goran. I find it really hard to say goodbye to either of them. I rationalise that perhaps it’s unnecessary to go through this step, especially since I’ve booked a short break to Copenhagen on my own.
Moreover, if I’m embracing polyamory then surely I should be able to continue seeing whomever I want. All the same, when a feeling of neglect washes over me I don’t immediately rush to make dates with other people anymore, well, at least not during this weekend. I’ve worked on keeping still and making my own plans independently.
What’s this – am I trying to challenge myself to write a blog post a day? That’s so last month. Amy took a break yesterday from seeing anyone; she was nearly tempted out by Jan who said his friend suddenly had a spare ticket for a concert but they were already at the venue and it would take me at least an hour to get there and I was already ensconced on my sofa planning to have a night in by myself catching up on stuff like reading, pigging out on a takeaway curry, playing some online scrabble whilst catching up on all those TV crime dramas I’d missed when I was out dating – Fargo, London Spy, Dr Blake, etc. So, regretfully I declined and completely veg’ed out.
Today’s another day.