There are moments when my thoughts turn to Goran and when they do I might look at his whatsapp status to see when he was last online. Once when I was looking I saw that he was also online and quickly clicked back, as if he might catch me checking up on him. Of course he wouldn’t, he’d only see, if he had been checking, that I was also online. I might be messaging someone else. Still, I told myself to stop it and archived his messages. Then it had only been about three days since we agreed to stop seeing each other until I came back from my holiday in May.
Archiving helped because his name was no longer on the screen when I clicked on the app to message anyone else. And dating and meeting other people who were genuinely poly also took my mind off him. I was beginning to miss him less and when thoughts of him crept up on me I would remind myself of those few days just before I left for Copenhagen last year and how it didn’t seem to matter to him how I might feel about being let down. And the lack of reciprocity when it came to meeting up. So I was able to forget him a little bit more.
But then in the middle of last week he sent me a message asking when I was leaving – and for two days after that the messaging back and forth between us resumed. I asked him why he had got back in touch and he said he missed me, he also said he missed shagging me. When we told each other about our less than sparkling dates with other people and he related his near disastrous attempt at sex with his missus when he visited her back home I wondered if the real reason for his resuming contact was to make another date. It seems the ex-girl friend was still lodging until next month when she had booked her ticket to go home and they were following a TV drama series in the evenings together. He claimed they weren’t having sex with each other – that had never really been an issue for me – he had always maintained that he did not want to mislead her again. So I asked him if he wanted to meet up that evening but he declined citing how cold it was and how he didn’t feel like leaving the house. Well, that felt like a real slap on the face!
Consequently when he suggested meeting a couple of days before I was due to catch my flight in three weeks’ time I was not positively pre-disposed towards him. I took my time in thinking about his suggestion – he then sent another message to say we should pencil in that date in our diaries. Eventually I decided to make an excuse that my diary was full the week running up to my departure and told him that we should keep to our initial plan of radio silence until my return. His Oh, Ok speaks volumes I suppose. I despair at my own petty tit for tat retaliative tactic and remind myself that this was no healthy relationship and that I should trust my instinct which is telling me he was either not that into me or not able to be honest.
Having broken up with Goran I squirrelled off into a corner to lick my wounds declaring to anyone interested in listening to my maudlin whines of heartbreak that I was done with dating. Meanwhile, some DID imp resurrected Amy’s profile and reactivated my OkCupid notifications so that suddenly I’m inundated once more with offers of mid afternoon sex and trysts with young men who could qualify as my own daughter’s toyboy. So I drag myself back to the app and was on the verge of hitting the button to disable the account when momentarily foiled by the site’s request for a password I’d long forgotten, I thought why not keep it. Tweaking it so that she doesn’t come across as completely slutty I manage to reduce Amy’s inbox and garner interest from men who have slightly more to offer in terms of conversation.
Well the dating merry go round began its rondel with a message from the librarian who told me that he had decided on monogamy after all with someone else, but I caught him visiting my profile several times over the last week. Clearly he was fibbing and I decided that he was not worthy of my time. I might have been curious in the past and asked what had happened but judge now that Amy should conduct herself with a greater modicum of self respect and not go after men who cannot make up their minds, especially at five minutes after hello. The next unsuitable date was with an American poly who was married and with several girlfriends. Interesting to talk to after downing several margaritas but just not that exciting in the sack.
There’s a date on Monday with someone who broke up last year with a transgender woman – I suspect my own motives for seeing him might not be entirely pure. He might not have completely got over her, similar to me not having entirely got over Goran (as much as I loathe admitting it, I know that there are still evenings when I think about how great the sex had been with him and wondering if I could have managed the relationship better). There’s also a second date with long distance bloke who is flying down from Inverness to meet me again and I hadn’t said no because I don’t think it could amount to anything serious.
Jan and I continue to meet up occasionally and talk about our dates. We have definitely evolved the relationship into a friendship without benefits. There’s a small amount of insecurity I suspect on both sides underlying our inability to ignite that sexual chemistry. For now we’re content with the platonic since we are able to enjoy sex with others.
Ramon has kept away out of a sense of chivalry I think, following his previous missive that he was still feeling stuck over the one who got away, and we have been unable to meet in any event due to mismatching schedules. There’s no one at the present who fires my imagination or over whom I am willing to unlock that keep which continues to stand watch over my heart.
Yesterday I told Goran, as we exchanged property with each other, that I’d like 4 months reprieve. And then today I went and invited him to an event with me for next week. What was I thinking?! We’d agreed that we would stay friends and I reiterated again that I hoped he and his wife might find some peace. He told me that she had been livid when she heard his ex-gf was now staying indefinitely as it were in their house and I told him that I could empathise with her reaction. I’d felt some disquiet myself last year when he told me that she had asked to stay at his house and told him that I predicted this very outcome.
I want to take the high road and resolved that the honest solution was to maintain a platonic relationship. But then again, and Goran also said that he was not entirely persuaded by my rationale.
He said he missed me and considered my 4 month cold turkey treatment unnecessary, but would respect my decision. I suddenly find myself unable to think clearly, as I realised that once more the dance of back and forth was about to restart. In the end I wrote him in quite some detail explaining how unfair he had been in not considering how I felt and we eventually agreed it might be best he didn’t show up after all at the event next week.
So far the dating has not brought forward anyone available for the long haul and I find myself almost tempted to return to the dating website. But only just managing to hold back as I wonder if Liam deserves another chance.
Last week my date with him had ended with more soft kisses before I took the tube home. We’d had another pleasant dinner and coffee date and I was glad that we finally made firm arrangements to meet up in Sydney in March. His work and family commitments – ancient parents, make it difficult for him to commit to a relationship, but I’m not in any hurry myself and so find myself quite willing to enjoy our liaison.
For decades I couldn’t find a voice and what began as an experiment in healing has finally borne fruit in poetry. Occasionally there are lapses of non-creativity, the last few weeks for example.
My muse has fled with the winter’s sun
seeking colder climes to rejuvenate
I praise his resolve to sublimate
earthly desires; all impure thoughts shun.
His remit to knit the torn, frayed edges
Of a union now rift with open sores
His own compass shattered his journey paused
He longs for icy plains, plain messages
And what my muse pines for like a twin feel
I here, where mild winter has changed to chill
and greyness hangs over damp despairing
No nightingale or any creature living
Goes near this barren craft, there’s no sweet song
where notes are flat, the rhymes and rhythms wrong
We made an impromptu date to see the rest of Lumiere London last night and at the end of it, on a whim, I asked Ramon back to mine. The bedding ritual began with warm kisses and very loving caresses and I am reminded of a time (the blog entry refers to Ramon as T) a year and a half ago when I felt romanced and thought I was what he wanted. It turned out that he couldn’t quite forget the one who got away and we parted ways. I never really found out who she was apart from a reminder he had had imprinted on his body. When we met up again last year he was in the process of having it tattooed over and seemed to want to re-start our romance. So much of his past remained a mystery and I am cautious about misreading the signs. So much has also happened in my dating and my ideas of love and relationships.
Before falling asleep he gave me an account of his love affair with this mystery woman, let’s call her Helene. She had a small child and a very jealous husband. In the end she chose her duty as a mother over Ramon and when we began dating he was still clinging on to the hope that there may yet be a chance for them together were she to be miraculously freed. At the time I was still seeing Jan and we had had the occasional friends with benefits moment which Ramon had become aware of but was keen to point out that he had no objection to, and especially not to my dating others for his own reasons, which at the time I’d thought meant he was doing the same.
I tend to think that despite his philandering ways he is an honourable man and is not intending to play fast and loose with my heart. All the same I am hesitant about the future of this relationship. In the middle of the night I dreamt of fantastical catacombs and a picnic which featured my late father, my ex-husband Michael and Ramon. In the dream I introduced Ramon to my father and they seemed to get on well before my father made a quick exit, giving as his excuse a need to take his heart medication. When I awoke it was morning but we remained in bed until almost midday.
There’s a lightness in my step as I feel the possibilities of what may come and want to hurry time into the future to see where this leads to. But all good things come to those who wait. I only hope that I will have the courage to take delivery when life offers me another chance at love.