Approaching half a century is quite a milestone. Once divorced and survived so many breakups I’m ready to believe that I’m never going to risk having my heart broken again. Yet I keep going back to the dating drawing board. Perhaps I’ll figure out what I really want eventually.
Saying goodbye always sucks. I got very good at staying friends with all my exes, that way we can all feel good about ourselves and there are no bad guys. Just simply a mature way of acknowledging that we would rather stop here now and get off the merry go round.
I’m not saying that it’s easy. Occasionally my heart breaks a little and the pain seems unbearable initially, gradually eases until I find a rhythm to my daily routine that doesn’t involve him. I’ve always bounced back and each time it hurts I know that in time I’ll be ok again.
I’ve been single-ish now for a couple of years. I am seeing a few men on an ad hoc basis but there is no exclusive commitment expected on either side. I continue to flirt and date and at this stage I very much doubt there’s anyone I’m willing to give up my freedom for.
Recently I stopped online dating altogether as I have reached a measure of contentment seeing the handful of suitors I have in my contacts list – Jan, Goran, Max, Liam, JR, Sebastien, Ramon, and the stray beau I may pick up now and then. There’s no one I’m in love with and anyway, what is being in love but an infatuation which doesn’t have any permanence. I’ve been in love so many times before and quite enjoy this ephemeral experience when it accosts me – I might be moved to pen a sonnet or two when it happens.
Thank you for reading. Now back to the blog.
It’s now August 2016 and I see a little more clearly that while I reject the bonds of monogamy and pursue a type of relationship anarchy, this requires a lot more self-confidence than I have already nurtured. For a start, it isn’t the norm and I cannot be lazy about the reasons, and then I’m subject to twinges of jealousy which have their roots in past betrayals and insecurity. But all of life before me is for learning and I am willing to be swept along this tide of discovery and experience.