Something brought me low and I shared it straightaway with Julius. But he had a busy evening planned with another lover and all he could do was send me some comforting messages. I wasn’t expecting him to come rushing to me, that would have been absurd but I was disappointed that non-monogamous love has its shortcomings. I shall be careful next time I think I love someone in case their expectation of my love exceeds my capacity to give.
This path has shown me over and over again that I have to shoulder burdens on my own. Reluctant to engage with anyone else, I find solace in my own company and the selection from Mount Unread.
The following day the familiar constants of my life keep me preoccupied – there’s a different kind of nurturing that non-monogamy provides. Jan was genuinely comforting and Max was unaware but his email last night was a timely salve. This afternoon Julius asked after me and we exchanged emails briefly. He has another date with a new woman, a transexual, but he was a little apprehensive that he might’ve upset her by not messaging her in the last 24 hours.
Ewan sends me updates of his day and we look forward to meeting up in the middle of the week. I won’t have much time for Julius after our date on Monday. He had given me a leaflet to look at to address some personal issues and we may or may not try them out. It seems to assume that there may be some pre-consummatory nerves on our part but we have already established an easy intimacy with each other and with complete honesty in our dealings on this front, the exercises seem unnecessarily prescriptive.
Tomas sent me a little hello and we flirt a little – he will be away for a week and I teased him that he would soon forget me. He replied in a fitting manner of course and I have now got used to this leisurely courtship. It suited me that he was not keen to rush things.
I felt a little embarrassed at my own blip last night and ungracious feelings towards Julius but I am also just a little relieved that I may have lost a little of that giddiness that accompanies being in love and regained a small measure of equilibrium.