On Friday evening my diary entry was full of restless misgiving despite trying to be reasonable:-
This August my lover has strenuous work commitments on Mondays and Fridays which means that he is not up to going out for a date either before or on those days. We’re still so new it doesn’t quite bother me and he says he wants to give up this unreasonable rota. All the same I find myself waiting for his replies. We texted each other a little earlier and I wrote a reply to his email to me from last night. But it’s now 11 in the evening and I haven’t heard from him. He has a date with one of his other lovers this weekend and I’m busy anyway being a parent and going out with Max on Sunday so am not too perturbed about this.
I guess eventually this relationship will peter out into something lacklustre as infatuations cannot be sustained. And I really don’t like this feeling of uncertainty when my insecurities are given free reign to imagine that he’s had enough of me.
But then this afternoon I get two emails from him and am uplifted all over again! Especially since one of them contains a little lyric poem which he says he now imagines to be about me –
Upon Julia’s Clothes
by Robert Herrick
Whenas in silks my Julia goes,
Then, then (methinks) how sweetly flows
That liquefaction of her clothes.
Next, when I cast mine eyes, and see
That brave vibration each way free,
O how that glittering taketh me!
Ewan was meant to have made some time for me this month but his summer schedule had got hijacked by his social life – suddenly the Highlands as a tourist destination is proving to be popular and being the warm, generous and hospitable person that he is, is currently playing host to friends arriving a month early. Since I’m suitably distracted by a new suitor (Julius) and flirting with the idea of falling in love again, I haven’t had time to pine for my Highland lover.
Last night he messaged me in a bid to try and re-arrange his visit down south. We make a tentative date for some time mid September. Whether it involves an orgy with another couple depends very much on how keen the other woman is – I’d met her one evening recently – this drinks arrangement organised by her lover whom I had met last year in a threesome. My attitude towards an orgy is very much take it or leave it … which Douglas says is the best way to approach Carrie who came across as flaky, from his descriptions and that one meeting with her. According to Douglas I’d made a good impression – from my choice of venue to the way we all got along. I thought it helped that she’d brought her adorable rescue mutt along. I suggested that we have another drinks how-d’e’do, this time with Ewan in tow when he’s next in town. This got the thumbs up from Douglas.
Meanwhile, the dating app continued to generate potential dates and I have one lined up one day next week. He is a 97% match and I have dated a sufficient number of these to expect him to be no different to the educated, creative, urbane types I’ve met, some of whom still remain friends or lovers. Despite my head being currently turned by Julius I’m still hoping to find a mutual spark with this new man – which should steady any attachment neediness that always seems to accompany falling in love.
From the beginning Julius had known about my dating blogs. Last night I sent him the link to the first one – I didn’t spend a long time weighing up the pros and cons of this reckless act. It was done in a fit of impulse. In the middle of the night I woke up wondering whether I was still engaging in pushing away possibly the very best thing that might have ever happened to me. And why I would do such a thing – feeling undeserving of love, afraid of wanting too much and deliberately setting traps for myself.
Fortunately though he hasn’t been completely put off, so he says. He claims to be enjoying being with me, finding it easy to just be with me – I have felt that too, and have been able to be honest about how we are, down to telling him that I wasn’t ready for him to watch me at my toilette, still unable to share that quite intimate activity even though we have shared a bed four times. Who knows though how reading about my salacious past might have affected him subtly – to now be wary of me. At the moment it hasn’t and he has said that he would change a pre-arranged appointment so that we could have that holiday together.
I’m dating someone older than Cosmo! This morning he told me in bed that he could see himself falling in love with me. My toes curl with pleasure. I’m sure I wore a silly smile all day after that. This is the self-same Julius who had said just last week that I shouldn’t hold my breath if I was waiting for him to whisper those three little words. He didn’t say them exactly but he had held me tightly and said that he was very, very fond of me.
There’s no denying it – we have fallen all over ourselves in love. It’s quite a bizarre thing – to be non-monogamous and in love. He has a date with another lover this weekend and I won’t see him again until next Tuesday when we are to meet at a venue where some of his old friends will also be present. I’m aware that this is taking our very new relationship to the next step in as few as 5 dates! And I still feel pretty much over the moon that he has given away how he feels about me. In a fit of infatuation I called him my darling, and invited him to go on holiday with me … and meet my sister! He said yes but would have to check his diary. I suspect that he probably has pre-arranged appointments over that period.
My friend Jan told me that it was best not to over-analyse.
In any event, my dating app is still full of overtures and invites from rather nice looking men. I chat to a couple of them and arrange to meet with one this coming Monday afternoon. Meanwhile Goran tells me that his wife is still playing open and close over their marriage and it makes it difficult for him to commit to seeing me with any regularity. Julius had asked and I confessed to him that Goran had spent the night previously. It hasn’t made a difference and he is as attentive and thoughtful as ever. My cup runneth over!
I had a date with Max yesterday afternoon – it was a glorious day and we sat in the dappled shade under a tree which shed fragrant leaves. We talked about our relationships and he observed that I was quite taken with Julius. When asked what I admire about him, I said that it was most definitely his fund of knowledge, taste in music and art, and infectious enthusiasm.
I guess I am rather enamoured of J, but we are still pursuing a non-monogamous lifestyle at any rate, which is more than can be said for Max who seems to be in relationships with women who are looking for monogamous commitments. He reminded me that when we last met I had been on the verge of turning monogamous, or at least questioning the whole idea of non-monogamy.
Certainly I am still getting used to the lifestyle and ethics of it. It appeals to both of us I suspect because it means we need never have to end any relationship in order to meet anyone new. He has already met or at least is chatting to a few potential dates, although one appears to be long distance in a haven of peace.
We make tentative arrangements to join a book club to discuss The Ethical Slut and parted company after walking up the road to take a peek at the house his father first stayed in when he came to London as a boy.