traps

From the beginning Julius had known about my dating blogs.  Last night I sent him the link to the first one – I didn’t spend a long time weighing up the pros and cons of this reckless act.  It was done in a fit of impulse.  In the middle of the night I woke up wondering whether I was still engaging in pushing away possibly the very best thing that might have ever happened to me.  And why I would do such a thing – feeling undeserving of love, afraid of wanting too much and deliberately setting traps for myself.

Fortunately though he hasn’t been completely put off, so he says.  He claims to be enjoying being with me, finding it easy to just be with me – I have felt that too, and have been able to be honest about how we are, down to telling him that I wasn’t ready for him to watch me at my toilette, still unable to share that quite intimate activity even though we have shared a bed four times. Who knows though how reading about my salacious past might have affected him subtly – to now be wary of me.  At the moment it hasn’t and he has said that he would change a pre-arranged appointment so that we could have that holiday together.

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