Let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie

I’m sometimes unable to curb the wild imaginings of my insecure side.  A few nights ago, when I knew that Julius was with K, because we’d agreed to be honest with each other, I felt a little fluttering unease.  So I went back to the dating app and picked up a couple more potential dates.  The flirting there was like a salve to my self-inflicted wounds.

Ewan noticed my late night dalliances, as these things give you away, and commented on it – until I met Julius he had been my latest lover and we had begun establishing a sort of relationship involving long emails and day to day whatsapp chats about this and that and nothing at all; who knew that the silliness of routines and minor exasperations shared could create the sort of bond that it did, but, … but all the same, physically, he is there, hundreds of miles away from here, without a firm date to give me as to when he might next see me, and he is also still married after all, even if his wife now does not want to sleep with him anymore.  He had asked me before if I might consider indulging in an orgy – having sex with another couple present.  He had spoken without having anyone in mind but I remembered Douglas and our threesome with his partner and had promised Ewan I would find out.

And then Julius sent me an email and another and it all starts again – we make a couple more dates for the next week and I feel myself drawn back into his thrall.  In an effort to prevent myself from becoming overly attached to a man who has two other lovers and potentially more, I make dates with three others myself.  One of these is with Goran whom I hadn’t seen since his wife returned to London.  I’d missed him and we arrange to have dinner together and who knows what might happen after that.  Max and I arranged to go for another platonic walk and Douglas asked me to meet his current lover who had been considering a threesome.

Faithfully following the tenets of relationship anarchy, I pursue these friendships and love affairs, trying not to let one become more important than the other, enjoying each one separately.

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