he loves me, he loves me not, he …

Jan came round the other night.  We met at the Eastern European watering hole opposite the tube station and had a beer each.  Poland was playing Portugal on the two screens and there was a rousing cheer when the former scored the first goal.  We discussed the Brexit fallout.  It was unavoidable.  We generally agreed about most things except on the leadership question.  He was more for a centrist/populist candidate and I still hoped that the current one of the opposition might still do.

When we eventually repaired to the Korean up the road we were already discussing other things.  His relationship with his NW came up.  He told me that she was deeply jealous of me.  I couldn’t think why – he very often cancelled arrangements with me in order to do stuff with her.  It was only recently when he sort of asked me whether I thought we might stand a chance living together that set me thinking what our relationship was about.  And when I remember being let down – the first time over Copenhagen and then the other minor incidents, culminating in the recent theatre debacle – and wonder at how he dances to this NW’s demands, that I think we won’t be any good for each other.  He has been around for me some of the time, but recently we have been seeing less of each other.  All the same, when we do get together, it is always enjoyable, comfortable and I don’t feel as though I need to hold back on my opinions or temper my words.

And in spite of the amount of alcohol consumed, we enjoyed a passionate embrace before falling asleep together.   He is a thoughtful lover and takes his time to ensure that I want for nothing more before reaching his own climax. And so it was quite late by the time we slept.

Still, I long for someone to fall in love with me and I them.  And I think Jan and I now have that long term familiarity and friendship which makes it unlikely that we might ever experience the silly giddiness of infatuation with each other.

The following day I find a message from Liam apologising for not being able to sustain the escalation of our relationship.  We only used to meet up every other week but since my return from the highlands we have yet to see each other.  Undaunted I tell him that I was perfectly happy to meet up for movie and dinner dates with the occasional sleepover.  I hoped we might resume that undemanding pattern we had with each other and he replied that he was in agreement with me.    I don’t know what made him think that we were on the next level relationship-wise.  Perhaps I should ask him when we next meet.

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