Er … what for?
It turns out that he wasn’t expecting Facebook to make his relationship status so public. Which explains the stepped up frequency of emails from his stalker woman. He being Michael, the ex. The stalker woman, despite living on another continent manages to wreak minor havoc, contacting most of his friends and attempting to besmirch his good name. I take the high road in this and bin her hysterical emails.
Back in calmer waters my own paramours have all taken a back seat. Ewan is now busy spending summer holidays with his children and ex. I don’t want to be a part of that and apart from the occasional whatsapp messaging, commiserating over the Brexit fallout, we maintain our distance – he in the windswept and often dreich north and I in the capital down south enjoying brighter days. Jan too, having hinted his very English proposal has gone quiet. And neither does Liam have any time for me, not even bothering to reply to my latest text message. I don’t sit patiently by … although I’m less antsy this year compared to last, … instead, I find myself being tempted back by Goran. It is an evening purely for physical gratification and after a night of raw passion I am happy to throw my lot in with the sex positive campaign.
The mirror I hold up today is you.
The first time we met,
was in the heart of winter.
We said our first goodbye
at the edge of spring.
A whole season slipped by
when I went away.
And when I came back
the sun had warmed the northern soil
Together we roamed this ancient land
the rock I touch, Lewisian gneiss
thousands of millions of years old.
The moss, heather and bracken
unusually dry, sit in between and on
these giants – Foinaven, Stack and Arkle
which change places as we drive through
the highland terrain of grey and green, and gorse yellow
at Kylesku, Glencoul and Eriboll
Ceannabeinne and Oldshoremore
where clear blue waters lap
gently one day, then wildly dark and white another
when skies turn black and thunderous, but by late evening
a rainbow amidst pale grey clouds promise
a morning of blue and golden sunshine.
The mirror I hold up is you –
in it I see someone bright,
kindly and hospitable.
So it’s easy to take on my role
when you beckon me into the big bed.
Too short again our time together as we kiss
and hold each other tight one last time.
I have reached a point where I look around me and think what’s it all been for? I have been surprised at how the different relationships I have formed seem to work – down to the long distance and infrequent ones – but perhaps I don’t really take those seriously. Ewan and I said our goodbyes when I left the Highlands knowing that if and when we next see each other the summer will be over and a lot can happen in a season. Liam and I have re-established a regular pattern of dating once every other week, travel, work, and family commitments permitting. It suits me for now because I am still wary of the hard work involved in a relationship. And of course those that don’t work – I’m quite happy to consign them to the best forgotten bin.
I hadn’t been able to sleep the night before. Not helped by the midnight text messages from Ewan who was himself in a flap, mainly because he had a number of things he wanted to bring from his house before he met me at the airport. We were going to his holiday house near Loch Bervie in north west Scotland.
We took the scenic route stopping at Corrieshalloch Gorge and Ullapool. When we arrived we unpacked the car and then we were out again – this time to Oldshoremore Beach. It was a mild day and apart from two walkers, we saw no one else. I took pictures of this and later the harbour fish market. I had been prepared to be bowled over but nothing like this.
Ewan has a lot of knowledge about the surrounding land to share. It was fascinating stuff and interesting . I was also curious about his personal life and asked him about his relationships. He was quite happy responding to my questioning and later in the evening I was myself quizzed about my sexual history.
I had too much to drink and nurse a hangover the following morning.
Left on my own whilst Ewan tinkered with his boat I listen to some radio and try to write. But the stories I began last month refuse to take shape and I fell into a reverie, reflecting on anxiety, dating, relationships, Jan, Ramon and Michael. What demons still lurk as a result of my marriage breakup which might still need exorcising?
Whilst I realise that I’m not entirely able to stick to my word – for example I’d told Goran that I probably wasn’t going to meet anymore new men – when in fact I still had one live online dating profile up and was occasionally flirting with the more interesting men out there, meant that inevitably there was going to be a date or two with someone new sooner or later.
Which was what happened last night. After Goran cried on my shoulder over the bust up with his new woman last Thursday, he had also made it clear that I was no longer shag buddy of the moment. I asked him again why he thought talking to me was going to resolve the issues he had with pugilistic new woman – she had thrown an almighty temper tantrum which ended with Goran getting a black eye and ruptured eardrum. The answer he’d given hadn’t been flattering – I needed to get all this off my chest. And after all the TLC I’d showered on him too! Patience has never been my strongest suit … perhaps it really was time he had a less poly and strictly monogamous relationship with his missus. He said they had been considering exactly this, that she might also give up the man she was seeing on the other side of the world. I am really done with being led on or used. He’d tried to assuage any guilt re his culpability – I haven’t led you on, have I? I had laughed about it, but on further analysis can only conclude that he is as great about deceiving himself as the next man, and perhaps everyone else too – NW (with rather bruising consequence), his wife, and me.
Bidding him adieu, with a tinge of sadness but knowing also that I had had a lucky escape (once again), I ended up flirting outrageously that evening with a couple of new guys and asking one of them, the photographer pro at the other end of the OkCupid app if he was willing to meet up. Long story short, he came up to my neck of the woods earlier this afternoon and was just the right sort of geeky sexy and eager enough to check into the Hendon Hall Hotel. It had been far too long since the last time I had had hotel sex, and I realised how much I missed the frisson of excitement and naughty fun that evoked. When I left him, spent and sated, I came home feeling quite pleased with my efforts.
He had been most appreciative of what I had to offer and although I liked to think that I was also honest in my dealings with him, revealing that I would not be available next week as I was joining Ewan in the Scottish Highlands, I could not be certain that there might be a second date. He had confided quite early on that he was hoping to meet the One, but was not averse to a little fun along the way – so aren’t we all too?