There are moments when my thoughts turn to Goran and when they do I might look at his whatsapp status to see when he was last online. Once when I was looking I saw that he was also online and quickly clicked back, as if he might catch me checking up on him. Of course he wouldn’t, he’d only see, if he had been checking, that I was also online. I might be messaging someone else. Still, I told myself to stop it and archived his messages. Then it had only been about three days since we agreed to stop seeing each other until I came back from my holiday in May.
Archiving helped because his name was no longer on the screen when I clicked on the app to message anyone else. And dating and meeting other people who were genuinely poly also took my mind off him. I was beginning to miss him less and when thoughts of him crept up on me I would remind myself of those few days just before I left for Copenhagen last year and how it didn’t seem to matter to him how I might feel about being let down. And the lack of reciprocity when it came to meeting up. So I was able to forget him a little bit more.
But then in the middle of last week he sent me a message asking when I was leaving – and for two days after that the messaging back and forth between us resumed. I asked him why he had got back in touch and he said he missed me, he also said he missed shagging me. When we told each other about our less than sparkling dates with other people and he related his near disastrous attempt at sex with his missus when he visited her back home I wondered if the real reason for his resuming contact was to make another date. It seems the ex-girl friend was still lodging until next month when she had booked her ticket to go home and they were following a TV drama series in the evenings together. He claimed they weren’t having sex with each other – that had never really been an issue for me – he had always maintained that he did not want to mislead her again. So I asked him if he wanted to meet up that evening but he declined citing how cold it was and how he didn’t feel like leaving the house. Well, that felt like a real slap on the face!
Consequently when he suggested meeting a couple of days before I was due to catch my flight in three weeks’ time I was not positively pre-disposed towards him. I took my time in thinking about his suggestion – he then sent another message to say we should pencil in that date in our diaries. Eventually I decided to make an excuse that my diary was full the week running up to my departure and told him that we should keep to our initial plan of radio silence until my return. His Oh, Ok speaks volumes I suppose. I despair at my own petty tit for tat retaliative tactic and remind myself that this was no healthy relationship and that I should trust my instinct which is telling me he was either not that into me or not able to be honest.