Yesterday I told Goran, as we exchanged property with each other, that I’d like 4 months reprieve. And then today I went and invited him to an event with me for next week. What was I thinking?! We’d agreed that we would stay friends and I reiterated again that I hoped he and his wife might find some peace. He told me that she had been livid when she heard his ex-gf was now staying indefinitely as it were in their house and I told him that I could empathise with her reaction. I’d felt some disquiet myself last year when he told me that she had asked to stay at his house and told him that I predicted this very outcome.
I want to take the high road and resolved that the honest solution was to maintain a platonic relationship. But then again, and Goran also said that he was not entirely persuaded by my rationale.
He said he missed me and considered my 4 month cold turkey treatment unnecessary, but would respect my decision. I suddenly find myself unable to think clearly, as I realised that once more the dance of back and forth was about to restart. In the end I wrote him in quite some detail explaining how unfair he had been in not considering how I felt and we eventually agreed it might be best he didn’t show up after all at the event next week.
So far the dating has not brought forward anyone available for the long haul and I find myself almost tempted to return to the dating website. But only just managing to hold back as I wonder if Liam deserves another chance.
Last week my date with him had ended with more soft kisses before I took the tube home. We’d had another pleasant dinner and coffee date and I was glad that we finally made firm arrangements to meet up in Sydney in March. His work and family commitments – ancient parents, make it difficult for him to commit to a relationship, but I’m not in any hurry myself and so find myself quite willing to enjoy our liaison.
For decades I couldn’t find a voice and what began as an experiment in healing has finally borne fruit in poetry. Occasionally there are lapses of non-creativity, the last few weeks for example.
My muse has fled with the winter’s sun
seeking colder climes to rejuvenate
I praise his resolve to sublimate
earthly desires; all impure thoughts shun.
His remit to knit the torn, frayed edges
Of a union now rift with open sores
His own compass shattered his journey paused
He longs for icy plains, plain messages
And what my muse pines for like a twin feel
I here, where mild winter has changed to chill
and greyness hangs over damp despairing
No nightingale or any creature living
Goes near this barren craft, there’s no sweet song
where notes are flat, the rhymes and rhythms wrong
Laid low, not by la belle dame
But a virus sans merci
My body tossed ‘tween searing
heat and icy clamminess
so that sleep eludes my lids
the ache beyond endurance, still I bear
it leaves me trembling, shaken, bone-wearied
until I give in, search about the bed
for that panacea, two little pills.
At last I drift Lethe-wards,
to fall into the gentle,
tender embrace of Morpheus.
Jan came over last night and he and Amy celebrated the completion of his first piece of work this year. They continued to talk about their plans for the coming year and he shared with her his dating history this morning. She told him of her resolve to give up meaningless sex. They’re on a similar journey, hers beginning to take shape as she regained her sense of self worth. He is still seeing his NW although she seems to demand constancy from him and out of a respect for this Amy did not attempt to seduce him. They shared a bed last night, chastely cuddling up to each other.
They discussed dreams and he told her that he believes the characters that are in dreams are in reality aspects of ourselves – so that even when Amy dreamt of her father and ex-husband, these represented her own view of how she regarded what she was doing. He knew enough of her relationships with the two men to understand that the part in her dream of her father turning and running away from her and where she was sitting with Michael and Ramon was her own acknowledgment that he/she did not approve of what she was doing with her life.
It has certainly confirmed that what she had determined to do – break contact with Goran and anyone else she did not consider healthy for her development this year – to be right. Goran will continue to remain a friend and she hoped that she will come to appreciate him and not see him solely in terms of someone to have sex with.
Jan and Amy interpreted her childhood recurring nightmare of being crushed as being about the pressure and unhappiness which surrounded her at the time. It certainly sounds like a valid interpretation as it has not recurred since she left home.
When they parted this afternoon he asked her if she would have consented to having sex with him if he had made amorous overtures and Amy said yes probably as she still found him sexually desirable. She did not ask him if he felt constrained due to his relationship with NW but they agreed to meet up again next week and we shall all see what happens then.
The penny finally dropped as Amy realised that the relationship with Goran was going nowhere. He had enjoyed her hospitality over the previous year and despite his wife’s and son’s absence over this year has not shown willing to invite her over to his house. She told him over text messaging that as far as she was concerned this was the end. He was in no position to offer her anything of real value and she wondered what she ever saw in him apart from the pleasure he gave in bed.
She was resolved to have a more complete relationship in future and considered the other candidates left from her year and a half of dating – Jan, Liam and Ramon – they weren’t ideal either but the online dating website did not hold the answers, the most recent foray had brought forth a few more unsuitable men who were merely for fun.