Day one post break-up

I gave you up yesterday – told you I couldn’t see you anymore as your cancelling our date at the last minute was the final straw.  You tried to say you hadn’t really confirmed it and that it was awkward for you because of your wife’s request. You know that I never wanted to come between you but all the same if you cannot respect how let down I feel then I don’t want to carry on seeing you.  I cannot be subject to the vagaries of someone else’s emotions, someone I haven’t met.  You said that she had given her agreement the previous evening for you to come to me and then changed her mind in the morning.  Which was why you rang me to tell me the bad news, rather than in a message.

It’s hard doing this but I have to believe that it is the right thing.  I’ve always known it was never going to be anything more, I didn’t want your marriage to end, I know I’m only just for fun but I have feelings too and you knew how much I was looking forward to seeing you yesterday.  It’s painful being let down and it’s simply not good enough for me anymore.

I checked my phone for messages and there wasn’t any from you.  Thank you for keeping your distance, I don’t know how weakly I’d let you back if you were to have contacted me.  Let’s give it time, time for me to get over you.  I’m glad we ended things with no cross words or recriminations – a simple statement from me and your assent.  Still, I wish I didn’t feel so bad, that the tears would stop falling, that I didn’t keep checking my phone and that I could be happy that Jan and Ramon were there for me last night with broad shoulders propping me up, that even Liam has offered some rebound sex to cheer me up.  I wryly told him that my mojo has gone walkabout.  We laughed that we might find it together down under in the Antipodes next year and I felt slightly better, grateful for these wonderful friends, past and present lovers who were there for me last night and now I’m ready for my trip alone.  I’m off to see the little mermaid who also loved and lost a long, long time ago.

I’ll come back refreshed, ready to face the end of year festivities and greet the new year, getting closer to knowing what I want from my relationships.  Jan told me yesterday that it’s a journey and he was still there for me.  I am blessed.

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