He made it easy for me in the end – we’d loosely made dates to meet up after sex the previous Monday night but these arrangements had come to nothing and in one last effort we’d agreed to see each other this evening for one last romp before I was to fly to Denmark.
And then this morning he called to cancel the date – and although I understood that his wife had suddenly at the last moment felt anxious about their relationship I realised that I no longer wanted to be a part of a triangle where how I might feel about being let down did not matter. It isn’t a relationship that my self-esteem allowed me to continue. So we said goodbye, I think I explained myself fairly coherently before emotions became too overwhelming.
I had had a little cry after that and sought comfort in text message exchanges with Jan. He’d asked me if Goran had been a good shag and I had been honest – he had been a fabulous shag, but clearly sex was not a sufficient lure when my self-esteem was in jeopardy. Perhaps I’m too proud. I took the dog for a walk and considered telling Michael, my ex-husband. We saw each other last night at a Christmas party and briefly exchanged our hellos. He had left early to catch a train back home and I had also left after that.
Remembering our marriage led me to consider that walking away from Goran was the right thing to do – I was beginning to lose my heart to him when initially I had believed that it had merely been a light-hearted affair, just two adults having adult fun. The danger of prolonging these sorts of fun only resulted in eventual heartache for all concerned. It was a weakness I was unwilling to condone having lived through a shattered marriage a decade ago.
I promised myself that I should not let my heart near anyone not worthy of it in future – and if that meant not sleeping with them for a while then I should have sufficient self-control not to jump straight into bed with them – and if I did, I should be more vigilant about letting my heart rule my head. My dating life is littered with these broken promises to myself, but I soldier on – tomorrow is another day and today has dawned blue and gold and I am proud of the way I have not allowed myself to be weak.