endings

There’s a tussle going on between a part of me that thinks I’m being used and the other that wants to take back control.  The result is that I want to walk away and end the relationships I’ve built – with Jan, Goran and JR – because of this uncertainty I feel about their future, how they impact on my self-esteem, how keen I am on the people involved.

I’ve already walked away from Max and before him Ramon.  On resumption of contact, we’ve remained friends and nothing more.  This time it’s much harder with Jan and Goran.  I find it really hard to say goodbye to either of them.  I rationalise that perhaps it’s unnecessary to go through this step, especially since I’ve booked a short break to Copenhagen on my own.

Moreover, if I’m embracing polyamory then surely I should be able to continue seeing whomever I want.  All the same, when a feeling of neglect washes over me I don’t immediately rush to make dates with other people anymore, well, at least not during this weekend.  I’ve worked on keeping still and making my own plans independently.

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