It’s an adult affair and she may be a little silly, having her head turned because the sex is sublime; he is clear, however, that he does not feel the same, does not reciprocate her love. Rebuffed, she re-considers her position and suggests that they might stop seeing each other at some point next year. After all, he will most probably move abroad at some stage when his wife has found a job and settled down in another European city.
She found it difficult to define this “love” – it’s wanting a positive outcome for the person concerned.
Well, if that’s the case then I probably “love” lots of people – was his rejoinder.
Hmm, so there must be more to it, she conceded, but was unable to be more precise. So they left it at that and continued their morning routine – ablutions, coffee and a light breakfast. When they kissed their goodbyes, she was preoccupied throughout her working day, trying to define the nature of her feelings for this man. Wary of being hurt after so many unrequited feelings and suffering so many heartbreaks, she had deliberately chosen to involve herself with men who were unavailable. That she might so cooly have suggested this morning that he looked for another woman next year, she knew that she could only do so because she had somebody else who held her in affectionate esteem – Jan, the first one who caught her eye last year on the first dating website she’d joined when her affair with Pierre had ended.
Last night, having ravished and left me spent, my lover gazed at me fully and said clearly so I would make no mistake as to his true feelings towards me – you know I don’t love you. I know – I replied. He only wanted me for recreational use and I have been quite happy to oblige as he is a perfect match for my appetite. I, on the other hand, feel quite enamoured of him and have penned a number of sonnets, inspired by the memory of his ardour.
It suited me that we continued to see each other occasionally, even as I lamented to friends and colleagues that I could not imagine the tedium of living with someone. Past live-in lovers, one husband, now an ex-husband, these have come and gone and whilst the pain of parting had been acute, the relief at having my own space, beholden to none as to how I manage my comings and goings soon dulled the ache of a heart break.
But even as the echo of unrequited love followed me through the day, I am reminded of my first infatuation and those which came after – spurning those young men who would lay their hearts open to me, declaring their love, I went after those others who did not love me, determined to pursue them, believing that I might change their hearts.
But I have a plan to change my foolish ways and said to my lover this morning that it may be high time he returned to the dating site and found someone else for his sensual use. I hope I may extricate my hopeless heart before I am smitten beyond redemption.