the sublime in your imperfection

Jan was my first love after the break up with Pierre. He sent me a message on the online dating website last April and we started an email back and forth for a bit before exchanging phone numbers. One thing led to another and I was besotted. But then the summer holidays came between us and he disappeared. Despondent, I wrote about my foolish heart that breaks again and again:-

One by one, my friends all counsel me
Why do you give him the time of day?
I don’t, really – I protest weakly.
Does my heart, or thoughts, my face betray?

We see you waiting, hoping he’ll ring
you sit with us but your mind’s astray
ears strained for that SMS ping!
a text from him to take you away.
you wait and wait forever it seems
though you come out for tea and dances
you have that look of passion’s sweet dreams
of love and fairy tale romances …

But no message, no call, nothing from my lover
and soon I come to my senses – it’s all over.

That was in July 2014. He let me down gently when he came back in August, that he was not for keeps being full of self doubt, often low and not good company. Stubbornly I clung on and though I assuaged the attention seeking side of me by dating others I kept the door ajar for him. We settled into an infrequent routine of impromptu dates. I made time to see him even when I got giddy over Ramon, Max, Liam and lately Goran.

It’s Jan with whom I’m going on holiday next month – eight whole days and nights in each other’s company mainly around the wildest part, the north west of the land of ice and fire. We’d booked the flights, hired the 4×4, plotted our journey and read guide books and dreamt together of the beautiful wildlife and landscapes we will encounter. Jan whom I’ve forgiven already for his recent faux pas over my libertine leanings. Why am I so smitten? Is it because he has written a poem for me? He went away at the end of spring and whilst sitting under the shade of a tree by a beach bar, his thoughts turned to me and he showed me what he’d penned:-

The ambient muzak loops eternal –
Order against the random
pounding of the waves below.
My romanticism is fired by the
sounds, the setting and the sun.

Though alone, thoughts of you
weave and tear through my heart
– I thought these feelings would stop
well before my half-century was up.
Apparently we are given these chances
in perpetuity – if we open our hearts
and feel. Let the moment
grasp us and take us up
beyond the ordinary pain of life and
into the divine light of love.

Someone has changed the music
But the feelings stay. My last beer
slides down and I must go back
into life and hope some love
follows me to my shore.

Cafe Sal Rosa, Albufeira, Portugal. May 2015


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